God Saved Me

My son's father told me he tested positive for HIV.  My heart dropped as he uttered those words to me.  I wondered how long he had the disease and how he contracted it. I assumed it was his drug use and prostitution that yielded this fate. We had not been intimate for over a year but I had to make sure this wasn't also my fate. I went that same week to get tested and to my delight I was in the clear, I tested negative. While visiting his mother she explained to me that a social worker came to the house to inform them about the disease and the programs that he has access to now that he has contracted HIV.  That conversation confirmed that he indeed had HIV. I didn't feel sorry for him, I thought he deserved it because all of the horrible things he had done to me and his family.

One morning, as I was getting ready for school I heard a knock at my door.  I went to the door and it was him, my son's father.  This came as a surprise, it was a surprise because he was legally banned from being anywhere near me and my son.  The legal piece of paper didn't seem to stop him from knocking on my door. I asked him what he wanted and he said he was cold and it was raining and he needed at least some clean dry socks.  He was homeless and living on the streets.  Even though he had put me through hell, at times I still felt sorry for him and still had a connection to him which in turn, had given me a soft heart towards him. That morning he was able to convince me to crack the door and lend him some socks.  So As soon as I started to open the door the lock was turning he then proceeded to kick open the door and bombarded his way into my living room.  I was hysterically yelling at him to get out of my house. At this point the door was still opened and my son was sound asleep in his bed. As I turn to find the phone to call 911 he lunges at me and some how tackles me to the ground.  While on the ground he is telling me that it isn't fair that he has HIV and I don't.  He wants me forever and he was going to give it to me.  As he is talking to me I am yelling at him and trying to get off the floor.  I fought back, with all my might I threw punch after punch and kick after kick.  But with every blow it seemed his grip got stronger until he pinned me down so hard I couldn't move.  I was still screaming at the top of my lungs for help.  I turned my head and I saw that the door was still opened and could see outside.  As he forced himself inside of me me I could see people walking passed my door headed out of their apartments to start their uneventful day.  I yelled for help louder and louder, and not one person stopped to see who was behind this terrified voice asking for help. With every moment that went by I grew more and more afraid that he would spew his juices inside of me. I thought if this happened I would be dead for sure.  I started to feel defeated and began to quiet down, all the fighting and yelling was getting me nowhere.  As I got quiet it seemed like time just stopped, everything around me got quiet and the room grew fuzzy. I heard a voice. I listened and the voice told me to call Izayah's name. It was like a dream, I responded to the voice telling this unknown voice that I had been yelling his name and he hasn't gotten up and I don't think I can yell anymore.  The voice said you don't need to yell even if you whisper just say Izayah's name. The room began to look normal again and time seemed to start again. It was like someone had the event on a stop watch and stopped and started the time at will.  I took a deep breath and nothing came out of my mouth but a faint whisper. I whispered Izayah's name. And my 3 year old son had gotten up from his slumber,  armed with his yellow water gun and standing with his legs apart in a policeman stance. He pointed his play pistol with both of his hands at his daddy yelling get off of my mama.  His father turned looked at his son and scrambles off of me. His father looked like he had been in a trance and began to come back to reality. I pick Izayah up and run to find the phone.  In that moment his father was gone. I sat in my room crying, I gathered myself and began my day like nothing happened.  I waited 30 days to get tested because I was told that It could take 30 to 60 days from time of contact before the disease would appear on the test.  After the 30 days, the test was NEGATIVE.  I was still anxious each day eating away at me not knowing if I had this disease that would change my life. I went again after 60 days it was NEGATIVE.  Even after the 60 days I was still anxious and so I kept going every 6 months and each time it was NEGATIVE.  It wasn't until years later I realized that it was God.  God was the one with the stopwatch actually talking to me.  God shielded me from contracting HIV.  Even though I wasn't Saved, never been baptized and only attended church I was still a child of God, God still cared about me.  God placed me behind his protective embrace. 

A couple of months ago I learned that My son's father might have had HIV before I met him.  I ran into his brother at the barbershop he told me that he wanted to tell me back in those days that I should be careful but couldn't bring himself to say it.  He told me the health inspector was coming to his door looking for his brother when me and his brother were still a couple. He learned that his brothers girlfriend before me had contracted HIV and he insisted that I must have it too. While leaving the barbershop all I could do was Thank GOD!!  because he not only shielded me while I was under attack but shielded me throughout my whole relationship.  Every time I put myself in danger God was there.  He protected me. I am a piece of a bigger puzzle.  He saved me not just for me but because my story, my skills, my knowledge, my heart something about me, in some way will help put this puzzle together.  I would like to know what is your story?  What is your puzzle piece?

Why Me

I often ask God why me!  Why do I have to endure so much and receive so little.  I constently find myself wallowing in dispear and giving up before the fight has begun.  And I still ask why me!  When I ask others why me why am I always enduring storms.  They respond that as a child of God you will endeaur trials and tribulations.  That comment (no matter how many times it has been uttered) has always went over my head.  I still couldn't understand why "I" had to continously have trials and tribulations while my peers around me seem to be moving along just fine. 

It wasn't until Saturday I was actually presented with an answer that didn't baffle me.  In Bible Study Saturday afternoon we read Hebrews 12:3-17.  It broke the "why me" down quite well.  It basically stated that as being a child of God you have to be disciplined such as you would discipline your own children when they aren't doing the right things. He loves us as we are his children and when we are out of line he has to "spare the rod."  LOL! 

So in reading these verses I must reflect on what I am doing that is not in line with what God is trying to teach me.  It has to be something I am missing in order for me to continue to get these ass whoopings. Sometimes it seems like a never ending switch session,One Swat after Another!    While I learn what it is I am doing wrong I am now going to stop saying WHY ME!  I now know "why" but now I need to know the "WHAT".  But as I figure this out I will continue to thank God for loving me enough to care about the road I am walking and the mistakes I am making.